Monday, October 4, 2010

My big dumb face, deal with it

First post of Halloween month!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, it feels good.
Speaking of which...

I've been thinking about this for a while now.  Sometimes I just want to smile.  I just want to walk down the street or ride my bike or sit on the train and smile.  I follow my instincts and I do smile for a few seconds and then something always stops me.  It's that fear that other people are going to look at me like I'm crazy.

My question is... Why the hell do I care so much?  I mean really.  Why can't I be that girl that's smiling in a sea of miserably jaded Chicagoans?  I mean, think about it.  I have a lot to smile about.  I'm alive-- for one. I'm walking and talking and thinking and feeling.  And god dammit... I am loved.  I have every reason to smile.

I guess what's been holding me back is the thought that others are going to suddenly turn on me like, "What's that bitch so happy about?  How dare she be happy about anything."  So I stop myself every time.

This is a formal apology to the world-  Sorry I look a dope who can't stop smiling while listening to my ipod and riding home from a really rewarding and challenging night of class.  I can't help it.  I want to be happy.

Truly, what I wish would happen every time is that maybe one person will catch me out of the corner of their eye and smile too.  Because, after all, isn't mood infectious?  It is.  I can honestly say I have had some pretty shitty days when the lady in the mail room has had one too and decides to take it out on me.  If I have learned anything about people, it's that you can really make any stranger's day, for better or worse, with the mood you project to the world.

I'm not saying you're not allowed to feel down and depressed some days... We ALL have those days, that's fine.  But what I'm getting at is if I am in a good mood for being alive, and I want to smile for my 30 minute train ride downtown, God Dammit, I'm gunna!  And if someone is having a terrible morning-- like maybe their cat just puked in their favorite pair of shoes after they missed their morning alarm clock only to wake up to a note left by their significant other detailing the reasons why they're leaving them for the last time... well I can only hope my dumb smiling face brings them the tiniest piece of joy.  You know, like maybe there's hope in humanity-- maybe not every stranger has something out for you too.

After all, tomorrow is another day.  (Name that quote and win a cookie)

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